Eat your heart out, "The Onion." I can use satire, too!

Brockton, MA (AP) - According to witnesses, the keyboardist of a local wedding band went berserk last night, severely beating several groomsmen and setting the remnants of the wedding cake on fire. The reception had been a jubilant one, with hours of dancing (to several requests that the band had learned for the occasion). Caterer Ellen Yummysnacks witnessed the attack, and had this to say: "The evening basically went off without a hitch, until the band finished its final song, several minutes AFTER its contracted end time. Then the crowd inexplicably began chanting 'ONE MORE SONG'. I saw the keyboardist's eyes glaze over, and then he begin to laugh uncontrollably, and then had one of those episodes not unlike when a mother has a burst of adrenal strength and lifts a burning car off of her baby. He began to pummel the much larger and stronger men of the wedding party, all the while singing strange melodies that the bandleader later told me was Ornette Coleman's solo from the song "The Shape of Jazz to Come." The keyboardist is still on the loose. Police have advised residents to shelter in their homes, and leave a plate of sushi or buffalo wings upon their doorsteps, along with a copy of the latest Downbeat magazine. Residents should not engage the keyboardist in conversation, as he will discuss the minutiae of the latest Marc Maron podcast in far more detail than anyone really should.